Trying to be american with these glasses.
So probably the reason why I drink so much and tend to destroy myself often each night is because otherwise I don’t feel much.
Creating games is nice and it touches people but it doesn’t do or make you feel as much as a artist that performs. Because of that, the only passion I get or can feel right now is by consuming large amounts of alcohol.
I honestly feel like nothing I have done so far has enough meaning or touched enough people. That’s why I’m really making these next 2 games to come out really soon to have as interesting story possible.
But still even if I do anything amazing, I still feel like there is something burning inside of me that needs to get out, and in order to put it out I need to drink. Because it burns inside of me, I don’t know what it is, but it is the desire to do more.
never been this depressed in my life, feeling quite alone, only reason I write these things is to get it out of my system and it feels like I’m telling someone, I often think of such things I shouldn’t do, sometimes like now I wish I had the courage to do like my father’s mother did, it would be peaceful. It’s not like I’d be missed, I’ve done so much for others, but no one cares about what would happen to me. Besides I’m losing or lost the people close to me, so really I don’t have anything much left, like now all I have is just this empty room.
Death, is it ok?
So most people seem ok with natural deaths as you may have realized, in fiction for example if the characters family is murdered or a loved one, they somewhat can’t over it for years if not ever, while if they die of natural death they seem somewhat ok with it, and get over it.
Is that really ok in a way? Why do we seem ok with natural death but if it’s not that way we seem to never get over it.
I think they are equally as bad.
I came up with the idea behind Reaper, before my granmother died which is weird. A story about a Reaper who instead of taking away lives wanted to stop the course of life and death. It’s kind of how I feel, if I was a scientist I guess I would become obsessed into finding a cure against death, alot of people can deal with it, I can’t. I never think I will.
That’s maybe why Reaper and Imagination Is The Only Escape are so close and important to me. Maybe that’s why, maybe, because in some ways they are more personal than most people will know.
wish i had someone to talk to, it’s annoying me alot, that i look threw my phone or even contact list that there is no one i want talk to about personal stuff when i need it
physical pains
so, so far my symptoms are
- can’t really talk, barely
- throat hurts when you swallow or move anything, annoying to drink
- aching all over the body
- feel tired but can’t sleep
- sweating
- and heart pains time to time
hopefully whatever this is goes soon, maybe it needs to get worse in order to get better
